Note to my future self: never lose yourself again

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Written by Leonescu Claudia

When was the last time you took a walk down memory lane? When was the last time you analyzed yourself through the mirror of time? Of course, change is no novelty here. If the years go by and you still see yourself as the same person you were, let’s say, five years ago, then you are doing something wrong.

Since I had a lot of time on my hands these past days, I let my mind wonder to distant places. When the only thing you have in front of you is a steering wheel, a long road and good music, it pretty much just happens. Certainly, the rational “you” will go through your to do list and priorities, but that gets boring after a while.

I found myself in a rather pleasing place. I used to be spontaneous, the lets-leave-tonight kind of spontaneous, and somehow over time different factors just choked that throb. I used to enjoy driving, going places, seeing people and diving into something new. I also used to be able to do most of the things I wanted, when I wanted them and how. It’s strange, how humans function, we’re psyched to allow the new in our lives, without taking into consideration the outcomes it may bring along.

We’re desperate to find love and connection, in the so-called soulmates, in friends, family and new people and that is not at all a bad thing. It’s how we’re built, it’s how we function properly. And this brings me to my question, how many pieces of ourselves are we willing to give up for this? Sure, friends and family will be unyielding, because they are your people. But what happens when someone, somehow manages to dig a hole in your heart and make a nest out of it? How important is the substance that was kicked out to make room for that? Can you live without it? Better yet, will you?

Judging from my experience, I’d say it’s undoubtedly not. You may think just for a second or, even worse, for a lifetime, it is, but as years go by the nest gets bigger, cozier, just like an invisible tumor. Yes, it may have its good parts, even great parts and many of them, but if a certain someone decides on a nesting approach, it’s not the way to go. Compromises are acceptable, sacrifices are acceptable, nesting is not.

What I’ve experienced is exactly like coming up for a breath of fresh air when I felt like drowning. I swum back to my shores, I found the pieces that were missing lost in the sand and I just picked them up and put them back to their righteous place. And I thought change is good, change is necessary and beneficial, but don’t, just don’t change the awesome things, the things you enjoy most, the things that shape you.

Even if you are the only one who understands your perks and quirks, it doesn’t mean they’re genuinely bad. Maybe enjoy Chinese food while watching cartoons, maybe I enjoy singing country music as loud as I can when I’m driving, maybe I enjoy being pushy in just the right amount so it’s still considered endearing, maybe I put too much sugar in my coffee, maybe I feel like dancing for no particular reason, maybe I like things done exactly my way and maybe I’m the kind of person who just jumps from idea to idea, feeling to feeling and decision to decision, but maybe I like me like that.

About the author

Leonescu Claudia

Initially when I turned to writing it was a decision made on some pretty shallow grounds, first off it was Carrie Bradshaw building a fire under my writing juices. Spicing that up with some reading, somewhere in my 2nd year of collage I was already fascinated. Margaret Laurence once said ”When I say work I only mean writing. Everything else is just odd jobs.” and I find that painfully true.
If it's something you're drawn to, you reach for it in any of its forms, either it's in a newspaper, on a blog, maybe a book or a novel or you just go full-freelancing, you reach for it:)

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